I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
