the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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