you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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