Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
