I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
