Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
