Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
