He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
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