I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
