just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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