I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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