My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
sarcasm needs its own font
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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