Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
