Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
