why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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