I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
