I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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