Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
