Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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