The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
