i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
