South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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