There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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