Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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