I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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