So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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