Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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