On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
