that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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