I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
