Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
