i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
