OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
