When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
