I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
