The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
