living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
