Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
