she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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