I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
don't judge my taste in strippers
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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