I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
