he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
