The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you inspire me to be a worse person
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
