i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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