There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
