I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
