im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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