remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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