I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
