this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
