theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
