I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
