'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
