Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
