I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I touched a dick in church today
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The ass gains better be worth it
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