Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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