Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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